Kakorrhaphiophobia: Irrational Fear of Failure

I found myself staring into the mirror so long my image became dark. My dimming sight seemed fitting due to what brought me to stare at the mirror in the first place: college chats. I had this idea in my mind that as soon as you get to college, no matter your interest, things just work out. They have to work out, right? So it felt like the world was blurring when professors informed me college was the end of the road for most of them, and they foresaw it being the end for me. 

“What do you plan to do with your life? What is going to be your real job?”

“There is no shame in having a backup; writing is a pipe dream.”

“Lots of people want to be writers. That’s the dream. Most just don’t make it.”

Springs kids are known for making It. We are savants. We start with piano lessons, AP Calculus, and a perfect score on the ACT. Bing. Bang. Boom. Me? I found my musical gift in singing new curse words to express my exasperation at college prep. I am taking AP Stats, never Calculus. The ACT makes me want to rip chunks of hair out of my head. It seemed as if the magical Indian Springs gift never decided to rain down on me like glitter. So, I found myself staring in the mirror, wondering what I intend to do for the rest of my life. I kept coming back to the same conclusion: I want to study writing.

Regardless of my pipe dream, coming to terms with the reality of our future and choices is common. Erik Erickson, a psychologist, contemplated this understanding. He divided our developmental psychology into eight stages, each having a challenge that  an individual will surmount. Adolescence is a challenge of identity. As we go through adolescence, we are figuring out who we are and our likes and dislikes. We have friendships. We lose friendships. All of these interactions build our identity. Our desire to cement our identity is particularly potent as we move towards college applications. Now, we find ourselves being told who we will be and what we will do. Yet, others' expectations for us are not who we are. 

Now I look in the mirror and find if I blink things are not so dark. Taking space for yourself, even if it is just a millisecond, can completely change your view. So, blink.