ACL Reflection

Writing this now, I am 7 months post-op from my ACL reconstruction and meniscus repair date. Many of you probably remember me as the big braced girl hobbling to class last year, with my friends fervently carrying my books and backpack in between classes. I tore my ACL doing what I love most: playing soccer- a sport I have been playing since I was three years old. For me, soccer was more than just a game (I know that sounds cliche, I apologize). It was a lifestyle. The one constant thing in my life and the way I dealt with the stress of school, drama, or any other overwhelming situation at the time. And most importantly, it was what I used to dictate my self worth. 

Back before my injury, I had a very inflated ego. Being recruited to the ECNL team - the top team in the region - in 9th grade, I developed what most people would call a “big head”. I saw myself as someone who was above others and I believed my talents were the one time that actually did contradict the famous idea that hard work beats talent. Because of this, I began to get lazy. As all my friends grinded it out in the gym, I became too focused on what was the next social event I could go to or how to possibly skip out on it. Being a student athlete is hard. The sacrifices one has to make are not easy. I hated going to soccer games as I was jealous of all the students who got to go to the Sadies dances, basketball games against Altamont, and other school events I had to miss out on just to play. 

One winter afternoon, I had come to practice late as usual. I half-heartedly warmed up on the sidelines before joining in the big target game (the team splits off into two groups and plays against each other). A ball is passed forward as I charge ahead and extend my leg out. But something went wrong. Unlike most injuries, no one pushed me, no one touched me, or was even near me. I heard -and felt- a crack in my leg and went down instantly, doubling over in the worst pain I have ever felt in my entire life. I would later come to find out that this was a torn ACL. I was instantly crushed. I went into surgery on February 11, 2021. Although much of the first few months were a blur due to high pain medication, I clearly remember it being hell. I remember sleeping on my back as when I laid on my side my brace, which had to be kept on at all times, would press into my leg which would leave marks on my skin. I remember waking up several times during the night in severe pain, the terrifying walks to the bathroom, feeling my ACL moving in my swollen knee, the nausea, the isolation from having to do my classes online, the random tremors I would get from all the muscle atrophy and much more. My confidence hit a new low as I felt like a baby learning how to walk. I had to teach myself how to sit in chairs, walk up and down stairs, and use a gas pedal in my car. The frustration of having to constantly depend on others was something unlike I had ever experienced before. I became very angry with my situation. Cursing the world and any higher power, asking why this had to happen to me. What did I do to deserve this? 

Flash forward to the present. Although I am currently still technically “injured” I am destined to be cleared November 1 for agility training. I work with Coach Skiff twice a week and run (only in straight lines, of course) 3 times a week. Reflecting back on my experiences, I have learned how to be grateful. My advice is this: you may moan and groan about having a sprint day or that awful drill that your coach, or teacher, or whatever is making you do. But instead of complaining, try to be grateful for the abilities and opportunities you have been given. Reteaching myself how to walk was definitely one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do mentally. If I could go back and change one thing it would be the attitude I held toward practice because I did not realize how much work it would take just to return to that level of play. Nothing is a given. At any moment, life can change and what is your normal now might be normal after that particular moment. Although I still don’t fully trust myself to play at the level I once was at, every day I am slowly beginning getting better and stronger with my dream of playing this high school season coming closer and closer!