Carina's Spicy Advice Column: Ask Carina
Welcome to Ask Carina, the Woodward Post’s primo advice column. I invite all readers to submit situations for my valuable digressions. For legal purposes, this is a joke. I will be avoiding real problems, and encourage you to reach out to our school counselor, Ms. Anne Burruss (anne.burruss@indiansprings.org) for issues of that variety because I am, in fact, not getting paid for this. Without further ado, I would like to commence advice column #1.
Dear Carina,
I have recently hijacked a large shipment (about eight tons) of Honey Nut Cheerios® from a Walmart truck. There was nothing else inside the truck, only Cheerios®. Because of this, various authorities have been pursuing me for the last three months, during which time I have eaten nothing other than those beautiful, honey-coated oat donuts. If I do not hide my cereal soon, I will go to prison, where there are no Honey Nut Cheerios®. What is your favorite place to hide cereal from the authorities? In exchange for your help, I am willing to provide you with up to 15% of whatever remains of the Cheerios once they have been hidden.
Regards,
Cerealkiller746
…
Dear Cerealkiller746,
I am immensely impressed by your dedication to Honey Nut Cheerios®. I’m sure if you just explained to the authorities that this was a crime of love, they would understand. In the meantime, my personal favorite place to hide cereal is mailing it to Carina Lim at 190 Woodward Drive, Pelham, AL 35124. When you are successful in doing so, I look forward to claiming 15% of whatever remains. However, I invite you to consider this: in hijacking about eight tons of this crunchy, sweet delicacy, you have deprived other Honey Nut enthusiasts of their precious processed grain. I may be a vigilante advice columnist, but I stand for justice. Do the right thing. Turn yourself in.*
Best,
Carina
*After some advice, I have reconsidered my statement. Correct, there are no Cheerios® in prison, so maybe consider Robin Hooding it? Credits go to a wise advisor.
I’m sure that reading this advice column has brought to mind a slew of problems that you, the reader, are facing. I am pleased to offer up primo advice at no cost. Fill in this form and be possibly featured in the next issue!